Establishing your posture as an effective listener

By Peggy LeVrier

How many times have you spoken with someone and been disillusioned during the conversation because he or she could not focus their attention on what you were saying?

Have you ever had feelings such as - Did you feel the person you were speaking with really wanted to listen to you? Would you have rather they asked you to share with them another time when they could give their full attention to you? Learning reflective listening skills are the main ingredients for healthy communication. This type of communication requires an attitude of total acceptance. Respecting what your child shares with you without judgment will encourage them to confide in you.

Think of the people in your life that you consider your "confidants." Are they the people who communicated to you with phrases such as: 
* "You need to..." 
* "If you had listened to me, maybe..." 
* "I told you not to..." 
* "How many times have I told you? or "If I tell you that one more time, I'm going to..."

These statements leave us feeling discouraged. Discouragement causes inappropriate behavior. If our communication is inappropriate to our children then they will become discouraged.

How can we demonstrate respect for our children as an effective listener? First we must establish eye contact with our children such as getting down to the child's level. Our body should be relaxed with unfolded arms and hands gently at our sides or lap. For example, folded arms or pointed fingers communicate a need to control and could give a wrong impression.

In addition, observe your children in their interactions with their friends. Is their body language encouraging or controlling? We need a relaxed body that is at eye-level with our child. Next, we need to consider our tone of voice. A calm tone of voice, especially when we hear something that shocks us, is crucial to conveying the total acceptance of our child's feelings. Remember, your body language projects whether you accept or reject your child's feelings before you speak. A concentrated effort to refrain from gestures that express shock or displeasure will encourage your child to continue to talk to you. Effective listening sometimes requires parents to be silent, allowing themselves to be a "sounding board."

Reflective listening requires parents to go beyond what the child is saying sometimes by "hearing what they are not saying." For example, maybe your child said "Everybody at school hates me." Maybe someone said something unkind to her. A reflective response would be, "It sounds as if something happened today that made you feel sad or angry. Would you like to tell me what happened today?" When someone is upset they tend to "blow things out of perspective." Our only responsibility is to let the child know that we understand what happened at school today. By restating what we understand the child felt is evidence that her feelings are validated. This open response lets the child know that she has been heard.

However, a closed response is one that sends the message that the child has not been heard. If your child said no one likes her at school, examples of a parents closed response include statements such as "that's impossible, you don't even know everybody" or "you're so sweet that I know that's not true" or "tell me who said that, and I'll tell the parent or the teacher."

Reflective listening encourages a child to keep talking because he knows that he has been heard. Reflective listening is a learned behavior that enables us to have sensitivity to other people's feelings. It is an ongoing growth process throughout life. A sensitive parent will be more favorably influential in a child's life because the child will trust that the parent will always care about what the child is feeling.

When reflective listening skills are first applied, the child's reaction may be inappropriate, and not what the parent expects, but be patient with your children as they express their feelings to you. Children need time and practice to learn how to share their feelings appropriately. Accepting the feelings is establishing the trust for a foundation that enables effective communication.

The use of reflective listening skills encourage children to "move in closer" to their parents by sharing their ideas, values and feelings with them. As parents encourage their children to share their feelings, they will desire to hear the parent's values and ideas.

Peggy LeVrier has served as an early childhood educator for 35 years and is the owner and facilitator of Peggy's Positive Parenting in La Porte. For more parenting information, you can contact her at (281) 748-9176 or pjlevrier@houston.rr.com 


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