Going through change without going to pieces

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

Raising children brings changes. Change occurs naturally as family members grow up. Some of the changes occur on a small scale, while others totally reorganize our lives. As a counselor, I witness an array of families as they go though changes. From these experiences, I have distilled what helps families go through change without going to pieces.

The first quality is communication. Family members need to be able to talk about the changes. This communication covers what happened, how it effects the family as individuals and as a whole and what meanings are associated with the changes. With younger children, reading stories or watching and discussing movies dealing with similar changes is a place to start. For example, the movie "Toy Story" deals with moving to a new home, "Old Yeller" deals with loss through death, and "Mulan" deals with a single parent home struggling with a parent's disability.

Next, families that deal well with change are honest about their feelings. Such families share feelings without threats, put downs or belittling family members. Family members tell and listen to each other's feelings about change.

As family members look for ways to cope with change, they may search for a quick-fix. Quick-fixes focus on blocking out the pain associated with change. Excessive alcohol, food or tobacco initially numb the effects of change, but such 'numbing out' to cope leads to larger problems for every member of the family.

Families who deal well with changes often share a change of perspective. Family members are able to see the long-term picture. These families are able to see life five or 10 years beyond the change. Such families view change as something temporary. They are flexible in being able to see the change from many different viewpoints. Families without a sense of perspective experience change as threatening. Such families often express a sense of "hopelessness." In extreme cases, they can't even imagine life beyond "the change" they are experiencing.

Another trait of families who respond well to change is reaching out. Functional families reach out to supportive friends and family members in adjusting to change. In "reaching out," they talk about the change they are faced with and are willing to listen to those in their support network.

The most challenging characteristic of families who respond well to change is "identifying gains from the loss." In responding to change, finding anything positive is often difficult. With every change come potential gains and opportunities. Finding the silver lining in the storm clouds of change brings a positive mental attitude, and hope to those families who can practice this quality.

All families will face changes. Responding to change in a positive manner is a habit that can be learned. Parents can help children in overcoming change rather than being overwhelmed by it.

Jeffrey D. Murrah is a licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. He can be reached via his website at www.restorethefamily.com or by phone at (713) 944-4335.


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