Helping children deal with grief

By Peggy J. LeVrier

Children cannot be protected from learning about death. Youngsters may witness death in various ways such as a cartoon character being run over by a truck, a pet's death, or scenes on the television news of buildings being blown up. Parents need to respond to their children's feelings about death. Perceptions of children's views on death relate to their stage of development.

An infant, having strong attachments to his parents who experiences a loss from them may react to a change in routine or environment. Babies and toddlers are "in tune" with the emotional stress of the adults in their lives. When a baby or toddler loses a caregiver or someone close to them through death, they only know that the person is no longer there. Even though they don't know why their lives are changing, they need a secure environment with consistent routines, a lot of hugs and comfort from someone close them.

Children ages 2-5 believe in their dreams or wishes, and therefore see death not as a permanent situation. At these ages, they may respond to death with anger outbursts, anxiety or sadness. They may revert back to some physical behaviors they displayed at any earlier age. Their caregivers need to communicate about the death in terms that the preschooler can understand while keeping the facts accurate. The preschooler's behavior in dealing with the death may be undesirable to the adult, but be patient and support the child while he is processing through this traumatic experience. Let the child know that he will continue to have his needs met and that he is safe.

Young schoolchildren from ages 5-8 are more realistic and curious about death. They can articulate their fears and thoughts about death. At this age, the child's understanding of the finality of death can cause emotional repercussions. Often, the child can feel a sense of loss or abandonment that will stifle the grieving process. In addition to the symptoms of younger children, these children might exhibit sleep disorders because of the anxiety or regression to help them relive a happier time in their lives. Some children do not react to death for several months after it occurred.

How can parents and other caregivers help children to return to normal and feel safe again after the death of loved one? Adults tend to avoid the subject of death, however, they must give the children permission to discuss death. Adults need to try to understand the child's feelings and thoughts while accepting the child's views on death.

In addition, you should provide clear, simple facts about death in a manner that will not confuse the child. For example, do not tell any child that the dead person is asleep. This can cause anxiety in the child, as he might feel reluctant to go to sleep for fear of not waking again. Children may ask the same questions several times as they process the information to fit what they already know. Be patient during this time and reassuring to the child because the child is "getting a grip" as he discusses his fears. Let the child know that there is nothing too scary or sad to talk about with you. Do not discourage the child to tell you what he is feeling by telling him, "Everything will be Ok!"

Adults can be overwhelmed through a death and may sometimes overlook their child's feelings of grief but they must help the child process the death and bring closure. Let your child take something of comfort from home to school like a blanket or favorite stuffed animal.

There are things that parents can do before a child experiences the death of a loved one. Let your child have a funeral and burial service for a pet, and let the child say what the pet meant to him. Learning about the life cycle of a plant helps the child to understand life and death. Remember, parents that your child feels pain, loss and sadness just as you do and that he needs comfort, reassurance and a safe place to discuss his feelings.

Peggy LeVrier has served as an early childhood educator for 35 years and is the owner and facilitator of Peggy's Positive Parenting in La Porte. For more parenting information, you can contact her at (281) 748-9176 or pjlevrier@houston.rr.com 


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