Parent's can influence their
children's ability to resolve conflict
Parent's can influence
their
children's ability to resolve conflict
By Peggy J. LeVrier
After a three-week vacation from school I would venture to say that parents have heard more than their share of children's conflicts. However, how the parents treat these conflicts have a great influence in how their children learn social and coping skills.
Children are observing the behavior of their parents or primary caregivers, while learning how to treat their siblings and friends. Even when children's conflicts become noisy it is important for parents to let the children solve their own problems unless there is a dangerous situation. Conflict is an opportunity for children to increase their coping skills, learn how to negotiate and compromise. Immediate intervention from the parents can decrease the children's initiative to work things out for themselves. Parents need to know when rules have been broken or when there is a dangerous situation. However, children tattling on one another are an example of their inability to resolve conflict. Parents should help their children to understand that tattling is undesirable, and help the children to learn more effective ways to resolve strife.
Our beliefs and assumptions about conflict influence the way we handle particular conflict situations; and these beliefs are more important in determining the outcome of a conflict than the particular conflict itself. The following positive conflict resolution beliefs contribute to the success in dealing with and resolving conflicts:
* Conflict is neither good nor bad
* Conflict is a part of human nature
* Conflict is to be expected when people interact with each other
* Conflict can teach us new skills
* Conflict can help us develop creative problem-solving skills
* There are ranges of methods to teach conflict resolution
Parents who demonstrate the ability to confront situations in a positive manner rather than trying to prove another person wrong are teaching children how to resolve conflicts effectively. Confront the situation early and stay focused on the situation. Your children are observing how you resolve conflicts. Using statements that reflect your feelings and needs promote conflict resolution:
* "I" statements
* "I feel..." (Identify feeling not thought or action)
* "When you..." (Identify the behavior in question)
* "I need for you to..." (Identify specific restorative action)
Sometimes children need parents to serve as mediators to help resolve a conflict. Parents will need to be active listeners by:
Restating
* Acknowledge the conflict and restate what is told to you by both of the
children.
* Encouraging
* Encourage the children to share the problem with you by taking the time to
listen, and
getting down to their physical level to listen to what they are
saying to you.
* Summarizing
* Summarize what the conflict impartially.
Question
Ask open-ended questions about how your children will try to resolve the
conflict. (Examples: How do you think he felt when you...? What can you do to
prevent this from happening again?
As a mediator remember to:
* Focus on the Facts
* Focus on the Feelings
* Focus on the Findings
* Focus the discussion on the present problem, not the past
* Focus on the future to keep the problem from happening again
Remember that both children think they are right in a conflict, and usually the parent does not know what happened. Teaching them to empathize with each other and express their feelings appropriately encourages pro-social behavior.
Peggy LeVrier has served as an early childhood educator for 35 years and
is the owner and facilitator of Peggy's Positive Parenting in La Porte. For more
parenting information, you can contact her at (281) 748-9176 or pjlevrier@houston.rr.com
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