Your actions speak louder than words

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

In parenting, relationships must be a priority. Our children watch how we treat our spouses and how we treat them. How parents respond to their spouse and child communicates messages of value, belonging and love. Children learn how they ought to treat themselves and others through these lessons. It is important to routinely evaluate the messages we send as part of relationship maintenance.

What do your behaviors communicate concerning value? How we refer to our children and the words chosen tell them how important they are. When kinder words are used toward the family pet, children see this and quickly assess their own value. The amount of attention and time devoted to them also expresses value.

Unkind words toward children always damage relationships. When unkind words are used and then followed up with lavish spending of money, the message communicated is they are more of a possession than a person. Children look to parents for the message that they are highly valued just because they are human and are your child. Any parental expenditure on cars, clothes or allowance without the reassurance the child has innate value is a message of rejection and has little or no value.

Children need to feel they belong in the family. Children look to parents for the message that they belong. Sometimes the message from parents is outright rejection. Messages like, "I brought you into this world and can take you out," "I disown you," or "I no longer want to be your parent" shout loudly that the child is unwanted. Sometimes parents place conditions on the belonging. These messages are the "I love you if, . . . " or " I'll disown you if, . . ." type statements. Children need messages of unconditional belonging.

Children need reassurances they are loved without condition. How parents speak to them, respond to their requests and handle differences of opinion shows love or the lack of it. Often, when children need love the most, parents are unwilling or incapable of communicating the needed reassurance to them. Children will be limited in their ability to communicate love based largely on the love shown by parents toward them. The messages of love communicated by parents effects how children feel about themselves and treat others. When a child is not very loving or conditional in their love, where did they learn it from?

Relationships are important in families. As parents, we are often handicapped from our own childhood. These handicaps limit our ability to send messages of value, belonging and love. Children often accept those limitations when they sense that their parents are genuinely trying. Children know that parents are not perfect. Often, parents experience difficulty accepting the imperfection. Children are the ones who must hear and experience what we say and do to them. When parental action shows they value their child and love them, then handicaps to relationships disappear.

Jeffrey D. Murrah is a marriage and family therapist with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. For more information, visit his website at www.restorethefamily.com or call (713) 944-4335


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