Truths about honesty
Truths about honesty
By Jeffrey D. Murrah
A writer once observed that the first casualty in war is 'truth.' Although those observations concerned armed conflicts, the same observation applies to families. Before conflicts within families erupt, one of the first things to go is 'truth.'
Truth is often replaced with secrets, myths or fantasies. When the fantasy is heard often enough, it is accepted as 'true' within the family. This kind of truth replacement is propaganda in a family size container.
Parents can take action to develop an atmosphere in the home where 'honesty' and 'truth' occur on a regular basis. When children are raised with falsehoods, they often do not recognize truth when they see it. Creating an atmosphere of truthfulness and honesty requires a daily effort. It requires being able to speak honestly and to hear others speak honestly as well. When families are not used to such practices, they may exhibit strong reactions to hearing others' opinions and honesty. For this reason, attention must be given to how the honesty is communicated. An ancient writer once emphasized the need to 'speak the truth in love.' Honesty is great within the home when it is delivered in love. Honesty without love is cruelty. Someone may say, "I'm just speaking the plain truth," but the way they deliver it is designed to hurt and inflict pain.
In families where writing is emphasized over speaking, it is important to avoid honesty about negative emotions and thoughts on paper. Such writings tend to stick around for a long time and reopen old wounds. Families need honesty to work through conflicts yet destroying other family members for the sake of self-expression is destructive.
Although truth is important within families, some truths may hurt or worry family members. Parents need to consider what information is appropriate for their children's age. If the information would cause more hurt than healing, it is best not disclosed. The rule I use is that if the person is not part of the problem or part of the solution, it is best not shared. Subjects like money, sexual matters and religious beliefs are best left to parental discretion.
For families to develop a home atmosphere with honesty also requires emotional safety. Honesty thrives where people feel safe. In families where threats and angry words predominate, honesty is choked out.
It is up to the parents to initiate honesty within the home. Children often follow the parental lead either toward truthfulness or falsehood.
Jeffrey D. Murrah is a licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. He can be reached at 713.944-4335 or through his website at www.restorethefamily.com.