What do you think I am? Stupid?

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

One of the most destructive labels that parents place on children is the name "stupid." It seems that this label is especially destructive since on the surface it seems so mild compared to curse words. The destructiveness of the "stupid" label often lasts for many years.

The term "stupid" tears away the confidence in one's abilities and esteem for many years after the original damage was done. Stupid is a label that stays in the mind, bouncing around and accusing its victim on a daily basis with each act they perform. Statements of self doubt such as "Am I being stupid?" are frequently repeated obsessively. Using the label of "stupid" is giving your child a hurt that keeps on hurting.

It is important to clarify terms. Stupidity and ignorance are not the same thing. Ignorance and being dumb are terms associated with not knowing any better. An ignorant person has a limited awareness of things. Ignorance can often be cured through providing knowledge. In some cases, mental limitations can not be easily overcome. In those cases, society often accommodates those limitations and special needs. There are times that children are developmentally ignorant. They are unaware of some knowledge because they are not mentally ready to grasp the concepts. As parents, it is imperative to not use the term "stupid" in situations where the problem is one of ignorance.

Parents need to avoid using the term "stupid" in referring to their children. The term carries with it limited thinking ability and willfully not using their knowledge. In all honesty, when your child committed an error, were they purposefully choosing not to think, or just reacting without thinking? As humans, we often prefer to react rather than think. Thinking involves effort. People, including our children, often take mental short cuts and use reactions rather than to stop and think things through. When this is done, it is not thinking rather than stupidity.

Confronting such situations can be done with questions like "What were you thinking?," "Did you consider other options?," or "How did you come up with that?" Each of these questions is better than "How could you be so stupid?" Children need reminders to think through things.

Children often rise to the levels that parents expect of them. Many of the challenges in childhood involve the children attempting to lower the parental expectations. When parents begin using the stupid label, the level of expectations sinks to a new low. Children often then program themselves with comments like, "well if they think I'm stupid, I'll just show them how stupid I can be." Once such programming begins, there is purposeful and willful choosing not to think. In such situations, I often wonder, which of the two is truly stupid?

Jeffrey D. Murrah, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. He can be reached at (713) 944-4335 or through his website at www.restorethefamily.com

Back to Parent University main page