Got Skeletons? Here's How to Avoid Them

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

On hearing references to "skeletons in the closet," I often wonder, "How did those skeletons get there?" Most skeletons do not just suddenly show up in closets. They are built one bone at a time. The bones represent choices we have made. The choices we make starting from childhood either build or disassemble our skeletons. When bad choices are made, the skeletons seem to multiply. They are kept in the closet to maintain secrets. Secrecy and shame often keep their owner from removing it.

"Family skeletons " also are passed from generation to generation. Family skeletons represent secrets and burdensome agendas continued from one generation to the next. These skeletons, unlike the personal ones, do suddenly show up in one's closet. Family dramas and conflicts often involve whose closet the skeleton is in.

Parents can help minimize skeletons. Start by encouraging children to make wise choices. Have them consider what the choice will cost them now and five years down the road. Consider how the choice will effect others, now and in the future. The choice may not be wrong, but it may not be the best choice.

Parents can remove provisions for skeletons. Secrets hurt families. Creating an atmosphere of trust and safety helps minimize the possibility of secrets. Discourage the keeping of secrets and gossip. Be willing to discuss choices and consequences without making threats or hurtful comments. Hurtful words and threats destroy trust by creating an atmosphere of anger and fear. Threats and harmful words may give someone the upper hand, but damage the relationship.

Children fear parental rejection. Instead of having your children fear you, communicate to them that you love and accept them. Often those with skeletons are hurting and need acceptance. They often know when their choices are bad ones and view themselves as unacceptable. When families provide the needed love and acceptance, children will not need to go to unacceptable places or extremes searching for it.

Do not pass family skeletons to your children. It is important for parents not to blame children for choices the parents make. Often parents avoid responsibility by blaming choices and their consequences on their kids. This not only creates unnecessary guilt, it creates lifelong burdens for the child.

Work to resolve personal issues and resentments. Leaving issues unresolved leads to more family skeletons. Work toward keeping adult issues between adults. When children are used as pawns to relay messages, keep secrets and make threats, family skeletons are created. Avoid placing your children in compromising situations. Don't force them to make up, "even the score" or pay back parental failures and shortcomings. The result of those situations is that the children blame themselves for the situations and carry all the associated pain.

Jeffrey D. Murrah is a marital and family therapist in private practice with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. If you have any questions, you can contact him at restorethefamily.com or at 713. 944-4335.


Back to Parent University main page