'Do it yourself' parenting
'Do it yourself'
parenting
By Jeffrey D. Murrah
One difference between "do it yourselfers" and the "I can't do this" populations is attitude. The "do it yourself" population approaches projects with and attitude of "I can do this," rather than the response of learned helplessness.
When the project is raising children, the same principle applies. Sadly, many parents approach the job with a helpless attitude. The situation worsens as busybodies tell them what to do, and 'experts' attempt enforcing a 'nanny' mentality.
In raising children, busybodies always find a way to intrude. Like ants at a picnic, they sneak in trying to take over. Busybodies sneak in attempting to overpower parental decisions. Busybodies often intrude with good, well meaning intentions. Despite their intentions, intrusiveness for good or bad reasons often leads to weakening parental authority. If someone is giving you advice without asking, chances are you are dealing with a busybody. The Bible even speaks negatively concerning busybodies. The old saying, "good fences make good neighbors" provides a way to deal with busybodies. Setting clear and definite boundaries helps minimize busybody activity.
Another threat to parental confidence and authority is the 'nanny ' mentality. The nanny mentality is an attitude of helplessness, where parents want others to 'fix-it' or do it for them. Some parents want others to potty train their toddlers rather than do it themselves. They may later seek others to teach their children about drugs, sex, death and family life rather than doing it themselves. In surrendering those responsibilities, the parents give up some of their authority. Some of the steps involved in raising children are unpleasant but necessary in preparing them for adulthood.
When parents aren't sure how to handle difficult tasks and decisions, they may need to talk to an experienced expert on learning how to do it themselves. Experts may include pastors, doctors, counselors, teachers or other parents. It is important in choosing an expert to consider their training and experience.
A healthy approach is when the expert 'empowers' parents in making decisions and helps them, rather than doing it for them. Empowerment creates an atmosphere of "you can do this," whereby the parents gain confidence. Empowerment provides the parents with knowledge and tools to use. When the expert communicates "you don't know what you are doing," or talks down to the parents, it is likely there is a 'nanny' attitude present. Someone with a nanny attitude wants to fix-it for you. Some experts with 'nanny' attitudes are threatened by the rejection of their 'help.' It is important for parents to exercise caution in dealing with such attitudes.
The project of raising children is best done by "do-it-yourselfers." Like other projects, it requires the proper tools and attitude. A good laborer stays focused on the job and does not allow the distraction of critics deter the project. Parents, you can do it, and do it well. Even though the project may come out different than the original blueprint, if you stick with the task, you will succeed.
Jeffrey D. Murrah is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. He can be reached at (713) 944-4335 or www.restorethefamily.com