Lending help with 'strings attached' 
could sever ties between parent, child

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

Beatles John Lennon and Paul McCartney sang about getting by with a little help from their friends. Each of us needs or gives help in one way or another. Parents often help their children through various situations and difficulties. Although assistance is frequently needed, it is not always welcomed or enjoyed. Help at times turns into a hindrance or destructive influence.

When the help offered contains strings, a false dependency develops. Children resent assistance with strings. They see through the masquerade and recognize the help as not motivated by love, but rather guilt and control. It is as if the parent says, "I'm giving this to you, but I expect something in return for it." Help with strings attached destroys a child's ability to trust the parent and themselves. They begin questioning each form of help with "what do they want out of me?" How parents deliver help shows whether they should give unselfishly or always seek what is in it for them. If your children resist your parental help, they may be reacting to earlier experiences they had with your "help."

Children desire assistance that encourages them. Asking for assistance stirs up feelings of helplessness and weakness. Assistance containing lectures or put downs turns into an exercise in humility. It is desirous that help be given with encouraging acceptance.

When parents do everything for the child and never allow them to make their own choices, the child loses confidence in his own abilities, which cripples his creativity. The child turns into a immature adult and the parent stays in the nurturing role for a lot longer than is healthy. This kind of help turns into a form of control and becomes destructive to everyone.

There are times help is offered in the form of gifts. Gifts can change relationships, either in good or bad ways. Gifts become detrimental when they receive more emphasis than the relationship. Help in the form of gifts gains a child's attention, but will not gain their love. It is important for parents to consider their child's needs, their motivation for giving and the quality of relationship they have with their child.

Help is a necessary part of life and parents are in the best position to assist their children. Removing the struggles in a child's life, limits their abilities to cope. Helping them through their struggles enriches the lives of both parents and children. Some questions keep in mind before rushing in are:

* Does my child want my help? 
* Am I giving my help without strings? 
* Will my actions make them stronger or weaker? 
* Am I helping or doing it for them?

As parents consider these questions, the giving and receiving of help will change. Such changes will make help create assistance rather than a form of bondage.

Jeffrey D. Murrah is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with offices in Pasadena and La Porte. He can be reached at (713) 944-4335 or www.restorethefamily.com


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