Your parenting style 
can influence "right" choices

By Peggy LeVrier

The traditional reward and punishment method of discipline limits children from making decisions and learning the benefit of an appropriate choice - or disadvantage of an inappropriate choice.

Our children deserve to experience the reward of their appropriate behavior, and the repercussion of inappropriate behavior without intervention from an adult, unless safety is a factor.

Consider some of the following differences between punishment and logical and natural consequences.

Punishment: 
*  May be based on past mistakes 
*  Judgmental 
*  May be the result of open or concealed anger 
*  It is easy or expedient

Side effects of punishment are: 
*  Physical punishment can cause injury to a child 
*  The child may feel alienated from and lose trust in the parent 
*  Increases aggressive behavior 
*  Can increase lying about a behavior, resentment or anger 
*  Prevents the learning of a desirable behavior 
*  Parents can become dependent on punishment rather than to seek more effective techniques 
*  Suppresses undesirable behavior but fails to teach the desired behavior

Logical and natural consequences: 
*  Concerned with child's present and future behavior 
*  Responsibility is assumed by the individual 
*  Friendly 
*  Difficult and time consuming

Parents must make the distinction between authoritarian, permissive and authoritative parenting styles and the effects these styles have on their children.

The authoritarian parent is responsible for all of the behaviors the child is displaying whether they are "good" or "bad." These parents need validation from the external environment so they will correct the child's words or actions most of the time, sometimes in public places with little regard for the child's dignity. These parents often equate discipline with strictness or harshness that includes verbal and non-verbal language that degrades a child's self-concept.

Permissive parents have a fear of not being loved by their children if they deny any of the their requests. These parents set few, or no limits for their children. Authoritarian and permissive parenting styles promote feelings of insecurity in their children - thereby fostering discouragement.

Authoritative parents are more in control of their own emotions. Their style permits natural and logical consequences. They set guidelines with their children so they have a clear understanding of what the "rules of the house" include. Authoritative parents' goals are to promote fairness and kindness by helping their children consider alternatives when making decisions, and then supporting their children through the appropriate and inappropriate choices they make.

For example, if a child is late for dinner, their food may be cold or there may be nothing left to eat. The child will prepare his own food and eat alone. This is not a punishment but natural consequences of being late for a meal. This type of discipline prevents a power struggle between the child and the parent and gives the opportunity to the child to learn the real-life consequences of bad choices or reap the rewards of good choices.

When trying to change an inappropriate behavior to an appropriate one, parents will help their children toward making good choices by addressing one problem at a time in small steps. Creating a flexible plan that will motivate positive changes in behavior will work well for the parent and child. Parents need to "choose their battles" by ignoring misbehavior whenever possible.

I don't advocate the use of rewards as a means of discipline, however, incentives can be motivating toward teaching new behaviors. Keep in mind the ultimate goal of helping the child to "want to do what is right," not in coercing him into to doing it.

Incorporating natural and logical consequences into your disciplining techniques will instill inner discipline in your child, therefore teaching him to do what is "good and right" intrinsically, not because someone told him to do it or because he will "get into trouble" if he doesn't do it. Taking the time and patience to allow children to build their own value system through role modeling desired behavior and disciplining with natural and logical consequences is a parent's greatest responsibility.

Peggy LeVrier has served as an early childhood educator for 35 years and is the owner and facilitator of Peggy's Positive Parenting in La Porte. For more parenting information, you can contact her at (281) 748-9176 or pjlevrier@houston.rr.com


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