Dealing with loss is a family affair

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

An area of raising children that parents rarely master is dealing with loss. Losses can range from missing pets, to divorce or death. Although as parents, we may grow accustomed to loss and the associated pain, it still hurts to go through it.

There are stages people experience in going through losses. Familiarity with those stages helps, yet closure and healing con only be achieved by working through the loss.

The first step in dealing with loss is to acknowledge it. Losses are difficult to move past, if we never admit they are there. Although it is painful, the loss occurred and must be acknowledged. It is important to let our children know that we know they are hurting and that we are there. When acknowledging hurt, it is important not to blame, only to validate their feelings. By admitting the loss and our emotional responses to them, we begin overcoming denial.

The major obstacle to working through loss is denial. People often assume just because an event is already past, that it is resolved. As a parent, it is important to confront our own denial concerning losses. Working through our own denial is a prerequisite to helping children through theirs. If parents expect children to face reality, they must first face it themselves. Reality consists of the events that occurred, the emotions one experienced and the meanings associated with the loss.

Once the loss is acknowledged, the next phase is working through the feelings. At this point, it is important to let your children know you are emotionally available and are there with them. Avoid discounting their feelings with comments like, "that's stupid," or "it's silly to feel that way." Such comments only serve to tear up children's tender emotions while maintaining the parent's denial.

Children need to feel safe working through emotions related to loss. They will look to their parents for examples. When parents don't provide healthy examples of safely working through emotions, the home becomes a tense, fearful environment. Rather than working through emotions, the children will often hide their feelings. Because children are always learning, the habits learned often continue with them for years. The child learns how to work through loss or to avoid it. Such lessons are best learned from parents rather than the latest Hollywood flick.

Once the emotions concerning loss are worked through, children can then mentally resolve the loss. This stage involves blaming and bargaining. They are attempting to find answers for the loss. The age of the child greatly affects their ability to mentally resolve the loss.

After working through the loss, children finally achieve acceptance. Acceptance is more than acknowledging the fact of the loss. Acceptance involves the peaceful and calming acknowledgment. The emotional and mental storm has subsided, leaving the calm of acceptance.

Dealing with loss requires loving guidance, setting good examples and calming patience from parents. Losses will happen, and it is incumbent on parents to help children through the process.

Jeffrey D. Murrah is a licensed marriage and family therapist. He provides a monthly column for the school district's Education page in the Pasadena Citizen and also for this website. For more information, call (713) 944-4335 or visit his website at www.RestoreTheFamily.com


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